One day I found myself standing naked in front of my boss. Shit. Suddenly the door swung open and…
I said hey boss? What ya think? Ok, Ok, don’t judge on a scale of one to ten, but make it honest. We can negotiate later after the chaos.
She said, “I give it a nine. I hope you’d give me one. It’s been a long time since I hooked up in my own office.” She walked towards me and…
She handed me a giant foam 9 and asked me to rub it all over her body. I figure this girl’s just my spud and ask her to…
“Join me in the potato patch, my love!” Her eyes grew wide- all three-dozen of them – and we fell in a musky embrace into the field. A leprechaun shrieked.
“Gerald!” he said. “I’ve never met anyone like you, I think I’m falling for you.” He left. I cried, for a second… and moved on. I got 2 calls from my mom that day, she mentioned meeting the leprechaun of my dreams… and I fell for it. Never again will I be a puppet. I shot my mom. Sandra Lee Walker called third. She mentioned stabbing babies at work, she’s a phlebotomist. I hung up. Many of my closest friends are babies.
No matter what I do I try to get that image out of my head, but only more evil conjurations pop into mind.
As I walked down the street in my cheetah faux fur vest and hooker heels, leftovers from last night, I ran into Jerry Springer. We started to chat it up about politics and rainbows, when a thunder storm hit, and all hell broke loose.
He pelted me with disparate stones and pebbles. Then I got him in a headlock but Springer was more agile than I predicted. Evidently he had studied. Suddenly, he slipped out of my grip and the next thing I knew I was in a full nelson – screaming “uncle!” Uncle Springer proceeded to do the baddest ass pile driver and I’ve been bedridden ever since.
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